I got your letter.

Can anything be anymore shitty? What's going to happen next? God. Why do my friends think it's ok to basically kill themselves. And why am I so far away that I can't even do anything about any of it? I feel like I did something wrong in these friendships to make them do these things to themselves. So what the fuck did I do wrong? That's all I would like to know so that I can correct myself and make things better. Please help me to help you. But you'll have to tell me how because I'm too dumb to know how to do it otherwise. I don't understand why this is all happening at once why couldn't it have been evenly spaced so that I could have more time to deal with it and to adjust to all the fucking shit that is happening. You used to be so against the stuff that you are doing now. BOTH of you. Why are you suddenly ok with what you are doing to yourself. Last year you would have hated your guts for what you are doing now. Please just stop before I have a fucking breakdown because all this shit is overwhelming me. Please. Just stop what you're doing. But I know I can't really ask you to do that. Because it isn't that easy. Now you guys have addictions. I'll get you through this. I'll be a better example. I'll always, ALWAYS, be available for you both. Don't you dare even worry about the time or what I might be doing or who I might be with, just dial my fucking number. I promise even Skye will understand. And she won't hate you for coming to me and asking for help. Even if you're crying. THis shouldn't be what Christmas is about. This season, this week especially, should be about LOVE! Love of others and even more about love of yourself. Self acceptance. Go get your favorite feel good playlist and listen to it over and over again. No one will scold you for the number count. Just think about all of the good things about yourself and all the good things people say about you. That's all you should think about. Love. Of yourself. And stop going out so much. You and I both know you're partied out and that it's time to stop. You admitted your problem and I know you want to stop, so now you should stop. How long has it been since you've written your heart down? Do it. Think about everyone that is here that loves you and how much we want you to stay here forever. And think about all the girls that will be pissed at you for fucking your face up because of what you're doing. Just stop. She already told on you. So you know it's bound to happen. Get a head start. Rely on us. We're still here even though we aren't there. You can still come to us and you know you always will be able to. WHy would we ever let you be lost on your own? Let's all just be lost together. We can get through this challenge. We've already been through so many. Let's make our friendships even stronger with this situation. I promise I won't complain about it anymore. Because that's selfish of me. And this is about you guys, not me. I'm going to be there for you nonstop, I sweat. We'll conquer the fucking world together. We can do this.